Coming Soon: Certified Jihadist-Free™

Posted on July 21, 2026 by First.One.Through

A satire.

Shopping used to be simple. You bought food because it tasted good.

Today, every purchase arrives with a moral résumé.

The coffee is Fair Trade.
The chocolate is Rainforest Alliance Certified.
The eggs are Cage-Free.
The tuna is Dolphin Safe.

Soon the carton will tell you whether the chicken enjoyed equitable access to leadership opportunities.

With such established groundwork, the assertive red-green alliance / socialist-jihadi umbrella will undoubtedly develop a new standard for consumers to evaluate purchases:

Ethical Jihad Certification™

I imagine the following questionnaire for companies and organizations to complete, developed by the International Ethical Jihad Standards Council (IEJSC).

Supplier Ethics and Sustainability Review

If your organization employs child soldiers, is recruitment gender-balanced?

☐ Boys and girls equally represented
☐ Nonbinary recruitment targets adopted
☐ Diversity metrics forthcoming

If child brides are supplied, are they ethically sourced?

☐ Local
☐ Organic
☐ Family-owned supply chain

If weapons are stored among civilians, are they distributed equitably across community institutions?

☐ Hospitals
☐ Schools
☐ Mosques
☐ Balanced portfolio across all three

If hostages are held underground, are the tunnels built with recycled concrete?

☐ Yes
☐ Carbon offsets purchased
☐ Sustainability consultant retained

If civilians are used as human shields, has the organization achieved demographic representation?

☐ Women included
☐ Children included
☐ Elderly included
☐ Fully inclusive shielding policy

When invading another country, were low-emission vehicles prioritized?

☐ Bicycles
☐ Electric scooters
☐ Hang gliders
☐ Carbon-neutral pickup trucks

If rockets are launched from residential neighborhoods, has the launcher committed to Net Zero by 2040?

☐ Yes
☐ 2050
☐ Targets pending Qatari-donor approval

If propaganda calls for genocide, is the language gender-neutral?

☐ Yes
☐ Pronouns included
☐ Available in multiple languages

If a terrorist organization takes hostages, are accommodations culturally sensitive?

☐ Dietary needs considered
☐ Prayer space available
☐ Captivity experience survey administered

When returning hostages, was a positive community engagement experience provided?

☐ Parade route optimized
☐ Cheering crowds strategically positioned
☐ Children included for authentic community participation
☐ Environmentally-friendly branded backdrop prominently displayed

If civilians are murdered, was the operation at least locally sourced?

☐ Indigenous weapons
☐ Community-based perpetrators
☐ Minimal imported inputs

If rape is used as a mode of mass “resistance,” are the targets well represented?

☐ Young women
☐ Elderly women
☐ Trans-women
☐ Boys
☐ Sheep and goats

If burning a family alive in their home, what methods were used to assess environmental impact?

☐ Carbon emissions measured
☐ Certified sustainable ignition sources
☐ Recycled accelerants
☐ Ashes recycled in accordance with circular economy principles

If political opponents require corrective kneecapping, please confirm that your organization follows an equitable enforcement policy.

☐ Applied without regard to race, religion, gender, or political affiliation
☐ Accessibility accommodations provided during the disciplinary process
☐ Impact assessment completed
☐ Stakeholder feedback incorporated into future kneecappings

If political opponents are subjected to “involuntary rooftop relocation,” (tossed off of rooftops) please indicate which governance standards were followed.

☐ Community stakeholders notified
☐ Staff received annual safety training
☐ Proper signage installed
☐ Liability waivers completed

How does your organization incorporate the LGBTQ+ community?

☐ Rainbow headbands replace green ones during Pride month
☐ Local imams considering ordaining transwomen
☐ Gay men’s decapitated heads disposed of in another jurisdiction

*Palestinian man, Ahmad Abu Marhia, beheaded because he was gay*

Have you established regular communication with:

☐ International NGOs
☐ Foreign correspondents
☐ Western university researchers
☐ Social media advocacy networks

Has your organization retained celebrity spokespersons to improve international brand perception?

☐ Actor
☐ Musician
☐ Influencer
☐ Climate activist

Has your organization demonstrated continuous improvement in expanding the number of international agencies, committees, or special offices devoted exclusively to your cause?

☐ Year-over-year growth achieved
☐ Additional mandate secured
☐ Dedicated rapporteur established
☐ Additional entities under consideration

Before issuing historical claims, has your organization completed a Heritage Simplification Assessment?

☐ Archaeological evidence destroyed
☐ Conflicting evidence omitted
☐ Timeline reduced to a convenient starting date
☐ Approved historical narrative distributed
☐ Site renamed in Arabic with only Islamic grounding

Has your organization’s founding charter undergone an independent review for language that may be inconsistent with modern human rights standards?

☐ Terminology modernized without changing intent
☐ Currently undergoing reputation management with select NGOs
☐ Using reputational management software to block viewers from finding foundational charter
☐ We prefer not to revisit founding documents

Has your organization successfully persuaded international stakeholders that your adversaries have no legitimate historical connection, cultural heritage, or rights associated with the land?

☐ Global awareness campaign exceeded expectations
☐ Educational materials updated accordingly
☐ Approved terminology adopted
☐ Further stakeholder engagement required

Has your organization successfully repositioned itself from perpetrator to primary victim in international discourse?

☐ Independent observers persuaded
☐ Media narrative successfully reframed
☐ Stakeholder sympathy increased
☐ Further communications investment required

Successful applicants receive one of four ratings:

Bronze: Mass violence, in recyclable packaging.
Silver: Child soldiers recruited inclusively.
Gold: Hostage facilities powered by solar panels.
Platinum: Calls for genocide delivered with a complete ESG report.

For foods, there is an addition to the consumer label. For example:

Nutrition Facts

Calories: 140
Protein: 4g
Sodium: 120mg
Carbon footprint: Low
Gender equity: Certified
Child soldiers: Inclusive
Child brides: Ethically sourced
Weapons near civilians: Institutionally diversified
Support for genocidal jihadists: Values-aligned

May contain traces of sesame.

May also contain an entire moral civilization that has forgotten the difference between auditing evil and opposing it.

Non Pareils and the Patriarchy

Posted on July 14, 2026 by First.One.Through

A Satire.

Emma had never intended to start a revolution. She had only come to the University of Greater Brooklyn’s annual Confectionery Justice Week because there was free candy.

As the bowl of Non Pareils reached her table, she froze.

A roomful of students kept eating while she stared in horror.

“Don’t you see it?” she whispered. Silence.

“The chocolate has been completely covered by thousands of tiny white spheres.”

Someone shrugged. “They’re sprinkles.”

Emma slowly stood. “They’re not sprinkles. They’re a visual representation of structural oppression.”

Within hours, her video – The Hidden Violence of Non Pareils – had accumulated two million views.

Her thesis was simple. The chocolate did all the work while an elite class of tiny white spheres occupied every visible position.

Then she discovered that nonpareil is French for “without equal.” Emma gasped. “So the elite didn’t just create the system,” she declared. “They named it after themselves.”

The university immediately established the Center for Inclusive Confectionery Studies. Professors from sociology, gender studies, and food anthropology praised Emma’s groundbreaking analysis.

The chemistry department quietly suggested that the sugar beads simply adhered to melted chocolate through basic physical processes. The department was reminded that lived experience outweighs molecular adhesion.

Emma unveiled her solution.

“The beads must no longer dominate the surface,” she explained. “They should be embedded within the chocolate itself.”

A food scientist politely observed that embedding sugar beads throughout chocolate would merely produce crunchy chocolate.

Emma smiled. “Exactly.”

The major candy companies thanked her for her presentation before declining to redesign one of America’s oldest candies.

Corporate resistance only confirmed her theory. Three weeks later, Emma withdrew from the university.

“Institutions cannot reform themselves,” she announced. “Real change requires disrupting the confectionery-industrial complex.”

She rented a converted warehouse in Brooklyn and founded EquiTreat Confections.

Each handcrafted chocolate disk contained precisely the same number of interior sugar beads, certified annually by an independent Equity Auditor. Exterior beads were prohibited.

The candies retailed for $24 each. Every box included a 1,700-word manifesto explaining why.

Food critics praised the company’s moral courage. Customers quietly admitted they preferred the original Non Pareils. Emma regarded this as further proof that society still had much work to do.

The original Non Pareils continued sitting quietly in candy dishes across America.

The candy never changed. Only the story people told about it did.

DISCLAIMER

This story is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, universities, professors, students, candy companies, Brooklyn startups, confectionery philosophies, academic movements, or desserts is entirely coincidental. No chocolate, sugar beads, sprinkles, or French vocabulary were harmed, marginalized, psychologically evaluated, or denied equal opportunity during the writing of this piece. Readers who experience offense, amusement, intellectual awakening, or an irresistible urge to reorganize the dessert aisle do so at their own risk and without creating any legal, nutritional, fiduciary, or confectionery relationship with the author. Any claim that this satire resembles real events should be directed to the Department of Coincidences, whose existence should not be inferred from this disclaimer.

Coming This Fall: “ICE” — From the Network That Brought You Cops, Firefighters, and Suddenly… Deportations

Posted on January 8, 2026 by First.One.Through

A satire.

Television executives are simple people. Show them a uniform that polls well, give it a badge or a helmet, add flashing lights and a gravel-voiced commander, and they will green-light twelve seasons before the pilot airs.

Police dramas? A civic religion. Firefighters? Basically saints with abs. Doctors? Gods in scrubs.

So it was only a matter of time.

This fall, after decades of training America to reflexively trust anyone wearing navy blue with a shoulder radio, Fox Broadcasting Company proudly unveils its boldest procedural yet:

ICE.

Hollywood already cracked the code.

Law & Order taught us crime is endless but solvable in exactly 44 minutes.
Chicago Fire proved every blaze requires both heroism and unresolved childhood trauma.
NCIS confirmed that investigations are best handled by quirky geniuses with unlimited jurisdiction.

The lesson was clear:
If America will emotionally invest in fictional cops chasing fictional criminals, surely it’s ready to fall in love with fictional immigration enforcement agents chasing fictional paperwork.

Meet the Heroes

ICE follows a ragtag team of elite agents who don’t just enforce the law — they wrestle with it.

Agent Jack Pitt — By-the-book, square jaw, conflicted soul. His father immigrated legally in 1983 and he mentions it in every episode.
Agent Angela Reyes — Fluent in four languages, morally complicated, always reminding Jack that “it’s not black and white.”
Deputy Director Hank Robinson — A grizzled veteran who growls, “We don’t make the laws — we just dramatically stare at them.”

Every episode opens with a breathless reminder: “These stories are fictional… but the feelings are real.”

The Cases

The crimes are designed to pull at heartstrings.

A man with an expired visa… who volunteers at a soup kitchen.
A family missing a single document… somewhere.
A tense raid interrupted by a heartfelt monologue about the American Dream.

Sirens blare. Agents run. Someone yells “NOW!” even though no one explains why now is different from the last commercial break.

The Emotional Arc

Like all great procedurals, ICE isn’t really about enforcement.

It’s about family.

Every season features:

A wedding postponed due to a border emergency
A custody battle mirroring a deportation case
At least one episode where an agent asks, “Are we the bad guys?” before being reassured by swelling music that, no, they are not

By episode nine, viewers are crying over Form I-130 like it’s a fallen firefighter.

The Crossover Event

Mid-season, Fox delivers the event television America didn’t ask for but will absolutely watch:

Chicago Fire × ICE

A warehouse blaze. Undocumented workers trapped inside. Firefighters rescue everyone. ICE shows up. Everyone exchanges tense but respectful nods.

No one mentions politics.
Everyone agrees the real villain is bureaucracy.
Ratings explode.

Merchandising Opportunities

Fox executives are already salivating:

ICE hoodies (“Protecting the Dream”)
Limited-edition badges (plastic, for children)
A companion podcast hosted by a former agent turned consultant turned influencer

There’s even talk of a spinoff: ICE: Special Paperwork Unit

The Moral of the Story

Television has always been America’s civics class — just with better lighting and fewer consequences.

For decades, cops were heroes.
Firefighters were angels.
Federal agents were misunderstood geniuses.

Now, immigration enforcement gets the same glow-up: dramatic music, noble intentions, and just enough personal doubt to make everyone feel good by the closing credits.

Because if you put it on TV long enough, in prime time, with the right soundtrack…

Eventually, it’s not controversial or even politics.
It’s just another show you binge on a Sunday night.

And somewhere in a Fox boardroom, someone is already pitching an ‘R’ rated version for direct to streaming.

Emotional Support Waffle Iron

Posted on August 21, 2025 by First.One.Through

A satire.

Nothing so empowers me like a waffle iron. Forget therapy dogs, noise-canceling headphones, or weighted blankets—the true travel companion is a solid, chrome-plated Belgian beauty, TSA-approved for carry-on. The airport agent looks at me quizzically as it passes through the X-ray machine. “Sir, is this… an appliance?” Yes, officer, an appliance of the soul.

Some people bring neck pillows; I bring the mighty iron. At cruising altitude, I place it lovingly beneath my one inch thick airline-issued pillow. The faint perfume of yesterday’s batter wafts upward—vanilla, cinnamon, a whisper of baking soda—and I sink into dreams of golden grids. I drool freely, but what is drool if not syrup in prelude?

The other passengers gawk, of course. One woman clutches her pearls when I tuck it in like a child. A businessman suggests I check it in the overhead bin. Ha! Would he stow his emotional support ferret in row 22B? I think not.

My ardor is no different at my destination. Hotel rooms become chapels of carbohydrate reverence. I wake, press the iron to my chest like a knight’s shield, and murmur, “Today, we make batter.” Sometimes I don’t even plug it in—I just listen to the hinge creak as my choir during morning prayers.

Do I need professional help? Perhaps. But waffles are the architecture of joy. A perfect grid to hold the chaos of toppings—syrup rivers, butter mountains, berry avalanches. And in the geometry of those squares, I find order in the universe.

So yes, I sleep with a waffle iron under my pillow. Some dream of sugarplums. I dream of brunch.

A favorite from Key and Peele:

UNCircumcized Trademark

Posted on June 9, 2023 by First.One.Through

Satire.

Many people waited for the United States Supreme Court to rule on a case of trademark infringement before leaping into the market with their own parody products. The case involved a dog toy named ‘Bad Spaniels’ that mimicked Jack Daniel’s Whiskey. The justices came back with a unanimous 9-0 ruling in favor of BS arguing that no one could possibly confuse a ‘poop-themed’ dog toy for the alcoholic beverage.

One of the first new products to hit store shelves was “U.N.Circumcized”, which sported the United Nations global body logo, with a tagline which offered “protection for the world’s bodies, except for Jews.”

Another person opted to open a store across the street from the United Nations called Hunter College Store for Jihad. It had highly flammable Israeli flags, a map of all Jewish institutions in America following the format of the Massachusetts Mapping Project, and several life-sized effigies in nooses with masks of various Jewish and Israeli personalities.

Lawyers doubted these would withstand scrutiny, as people associate the United Nations with rape and Hunter with Jew hatred.

“Protocols of the Elders of Zion – The Musical”

Ben & Jerry’s New Flavor: Milano Zio

Charlie Hebdo Will No Longer Sell Magazines to 20 Islamic Terrorist Groups

NY Times’ Sarah Jeong Guides Rep Ilhan Omar Tweets

Netanyahu’s Doctoral Thesis on the Nakba

Palestinian Job Fair for Peace

Rick Jacobs Seeks Non-Orthodox Prayer Space on The Temple Mount

Posted on December 26, 2021 by First.One.Through

A Satire.

Rabbi Rick Jacobs, who serves as the President of Reform Judaism, took to the pages of the Jerusalem Post on December 23, 2021 to demand prayer space for non-Orthodox Jews on the Jewish Temple Mount. Long frustrated by the delay in implementing an egalitarian space at the Kotel, the western retaining wall of the Temple Mount, Jacobs thought it was time to move on.

“We created a painful but fair compromise that would make the Kotel a place for all Jewish people, from the most liberal to the most orthodox,” but the Israeli government has yet to institute the agreed upon solution, as “Netanyahu capitulated to pressure from the ultra-Orthodox parties” wrote Jacobs. “Making space at the Wall for pluralistic Jewish prayer will proclaim that there is more than one authentic way to live a Jewish life of meaning and purpose,” but alas, Jacobs does not see that happening.

Jacobs noted that the current Israeli government is unlikely to push forward on implementing the compromise solution so he has decided to move on – to the Temple Mount itself.

Jacobs noted that the Orthodox Jews truly revere the Kotel and he is fine letting them have it. He is going up top, with specific rights for non-Orthodox Jews. He added “Orthodox will have sole control over the prayer space that they cherish. For the first time, the non-Orthodox will have a dignified space where we can pray,” on the Al Aqsa Compound. He called this divide a “Solomonic solution, teaching all Jews the power of compromise and unity, and fulfilling Isaiah’s bold prophecy.“

*Rick Jacobs (center) at the Kotel Plaza in 2016 advocating for an egalitarian prayer space*

When questioned whether he thought the Islamic Waqf would have an issue with non-Orthodox prayer on what Muslims revere as the Al Aqsa Compound, he was nonplussed. “The Waqf doesn’t want ‘settlers’ praying on the Temple Mount but the non-Orthodox worshippers will be tourists from abroad as there are virtually no non-Orthodox Israelis who visit the site.“

When pressed further about the Reform movement’s views on ‘settlements’ including the Old City of Jerusalem, Jacobs said that Reform Judaism “has a long-standing policy of opposition to the Israeli settlements in the West Bank,” and also opposes “eviction/displacement of Palestinian families in Sheikh Jarrah, [and] elsewhere in East Jerusalem,” but he doesn’t think there is hypocrisy in advocating for non-Orthodox Jewish prayer on the the Temple Mount.

“Let me be clear, the current Israeli government does not believe in religious freedom and equality for non-Orthodox Jews,” so it’s time to bring our case before the Islamic Waqf. He added that “Judaism and Islam stem from the same foundational idea that we are the Children of Abraham, descendants of our common patriarchs and matriarchs,” and is sure that the Muslims will welcome non-Israeli, non-Orthodox Jewish extremists to pray alongside them on the Al Aqsa Compound.

“Inshallah,” he added. That will really be the fulfillment of Isaiah’s prophecy “For My house shall be called a house of prayer for all. (Isaiah 56:7)“

The Reform Movement’s Rick Jacobs Has no Understanding of Tolerance

“Protocols of the Elders of Zion – The Musical”

Google to Stop Displaying Pictures of Israeli Flags in East Jerusalem and West Bank

Ben & Jerry’s New Flavor: Milano Zio

The Zionist Obelisk

Posted on December 2, 2020 by First.One.Through

Satire?

The discovery of a metal obelisk in a remote desert in Utah has confounded the conventional mind but not the conspiracy minded.

Rep. Ilhan Omar of Minnesota quickly surmised that “it’s a Zionist tool to hypnotize the world into being silent about evil Jewish actions.“

D.C. Councilman Trayon White said that the obelisk is “used by Jewish bankers to control the climate to create natural disasters so they can reap billions to own the cities.“

Dr. Achmat Salie, an imam from Detroit said that the obelisk “is used by the puppet-masters in Israel to control all of us like sheep.“

Iraqi Legal Expert Abu Yaqeen Al-Musawi said it was a tool for “planting a chip or a virus in people’s bodies in order to control them so the Zionists can reduce the world’s population, and to create a single unified regime that will rule and control the world.“

An Egyptian governor, General Abdel-Fadeel Shosha, is convinced that it is a beacon used by “Israelis to control sharks in the Red Sea to attack tourists to harm the Egyptian tourism industry.“

The official Palestinian Authority daily Al-Hayat Al-Jadida, said that the obelisk is used by Israel “to poison the air and water of the Palestinians so they can steal their resources.“

Dutch Muslim politician Arnoud van Door considered that the column may “control the minds of Muslims to behead people to make governments shut down mosques.“

Hiba Husseini, a legal adviser working on the Israeli-Palestinian peace negotiations observed that “the obelisk may a marker for the well-known ongoing Zionist expansionism to take over land all over the world.”

Louis Farrakhan, the leader of the Nation of Islam recognized the “altar of the Synagogue of Satan” where Jews conceive of the “filth and degenerate behavior that Hollywood is putting out: turning men into women, and women into men.“

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei claimed that the obelisk is used by “filthy Zionist agents” to turn Muslims against Muslims.

KKK leader David Duke warned that the obelisk is a tool of “Zionist power and the Jewish establishment to control the western world.“

Former leader of the UK’s Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn said that ” I strongly suspect that the monolith was planted by Israel to destabilize the world and pit Muslim against Muslim.“

French comedian Dieudonne M’Bala M’Bala posted online that “the obelisk is yet another Holocaust memorial dropped on the world by the Zionist Lobby.“

Former president of the Students for Justice in Palestine at Hunter College, Nerdeen Mohsen Kiswani said that “this is yet another wall being built by this Zionist-colonial administration reproducing settler-colonial ideology on stolen land.“

Rick Wiles, a Florida pastor announced on his TruNews broadcast that the obelisk “is being used by Jews to spread the coronavirus since they deny Jesus Christ.“

Rep. Rashida Tlaib tweeted that the obelisk marked the spot “where Israeli settlers kidnapped and drowned a Palestinian child.” Upon discovering that to be unsubstantiated, Tlaib deleted the tweet and then tweeted that the obelisk was established by “White supremacists.” That tweet was also deleted and replaced by a new tweet that it represented a world free of Israel, “From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free.” She has since deleted that tweet too and is looking for anti-Zionist suggestions.

The British artist Banksy wondered whether the shiny obelisk “is an attempt by Zionists to create a wall which cannot be painted to shut down protest.” He added, listen, “Walls are hot right now, but I was into them long before [Donald] Trump made it cool.“

Fellow British artist Roger Waters, founder of the rock group Pink Floyd added “I don’t know what it is or how it got that there, but Jewish puppet-masters are behind the whole thing. Those Jews think that only Jewish people, are completely human…and everybody else on Earth is there to serve them and this thing is some sort of weapon in their scheme.“

Based on such insights, one can imagine seeing these objects showing up everywhere sometime soon. If they do not, it will just be a sign of how powerful this object truly is.

Governor Cuomo Comes After the Powerful Black Lobby

Posted on October 16, 2020 by First.One.Through

Sad satire.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has become exasperated with the number of Black people dying from COVID-19. The numbers dwarf other groups in terms of infection rates and deaths and he decided it was time to do something about it.

At a press conference on Wednesday, Cuomo said that “the micro-cluster we’re focusing on is the Black communities.” He added that the government has tried to enforce laws to protect all New Yorkers but “enforcement from the local governments is very uneven especially when it’s politically sensitive. And that’s what we’re running to with lot of these Black folks, who are also very politically powerful, don’t kid yourself.“

Fed up with the non-compliance of these Black New Yorkers, the governor said he’s going to take away their welfare checks. “[N]othing else I have done has motivated them — not my rapier wit, not my sense of humor, not my guilt, not my blame, not my admonition, and not my pleas. Maybe money works.“

Cuomo added that he will not only apply the money ploy on individuals but on Black schools which are already performing worse than White schools. “If they violate the health order, they [their schools] will not receive funding.”

Some people in the Black community have complained that they are being targeted once again, much like the Stop-and-Frisk program which has now been derided as racist. Governor Cuomo strongly disagreed saying “We focus our compliance enforcement efforts on geographic clusters that are generating hospitalizations. We can map where the cases come from, so somebody goes into a hospital and their address is 110 Adams Street in Brooklyn, and then we put a dot on 110 Adam street in Brooklyn … if that is in a cluster, we put a circle around that and we say we’re focusing on Adams Street. That may turn out to be a bar; it may turn out to be a restaurant; may turn out to be a summer camp; it may turn out to be a church; It may turn out to be a synagogue.” It’s the exact same thing the police does in deploying officers around the city in focusing on areas with high crime rates; it’s simply a coincidence that those areas have a high concentration of Black people.

Trying to appear nuanced, Cuomo added “the Black community, the African-American community, we’re not talking about a monolith here, right? Many groups have been cooperative and have been helpful, and I want to acknowledge that also.“

Members of the Black community are suing the city and state for what they see as blatantly racist policies. Yet not all Blacks agree, with some sharing that they support police coming out in large numbers to high crime areas and enforcing stop-and-risk as well as using the threat of stripping welfare checks and defunding schools to get violent and non-compliant Blacks on the straight-and-narrow. A leading Black lesbian pastor who is also married to the head of the 1.7 million member teacher’s union said it “is not an anti-Black act on the part of our city and country in the attempt to save lives.“

**Note- all quotes above are actual quotes but relate to Jews, not Blacks**

To continue this inversion, imagine this actual text being used for Jews as to why so many are dying from COVID-19:

“The reasons are complex: Jews in Brooklyn are more likely to be poor, work in industries that expose them to the virus, live in crowded spaces, and have chronic health conditions.

And then there’s the anti-Semitism and violence that Orthodox Jews experience on a daily basis, which puts their health at risk.”

Ilhan Omar and AOC Try To Reclaim The Word ‘Holocaust’

Posted on June 25, 2019 by First.One.Through

A satire.

Inspired by the ground-breaking work of Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degeocello (Sasha Baron Cohen in ‘Who is America’), Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) are advancing a bill to reclaim the word ‘Holocaust,’ much as their liberal champion is fighting to reclaim the word ‘pedophile.’

“I am a pedophile in that I love children. And I reclaim that word because it has been stolen by the abusers. I love children and I am a proud pedophile.”

Dr. Nira Cain-N’Degecello in Season 1 Episode 4

AOC had channeled her scorn against the Trump Administration and said that the U.S. was making ‘concentration camps’ for Latin immigrants in the United States and that Jews should be the most sensitive to the crimes of the Republican administration which is waging a Holocaust against Hispanic children. Newsweek came to AOC’s defense by listing various academics who pointed out how concentration camps existed long before World War II.

Ilhan Omar said she was disgusted by alt-right Jews attacking her fellow liberal colleague. She held up a Merriam-Webster Dictionary and said “the word ‘Holocaust‘ is defined as ‘a thorough destruction involving extensive loss of life especially through fire.’ No ‘Jew’ in the definition. It is a word that existed long before Zionis… excuse me, Jews, died in World War II. We cannot continue to allow Zioni.. excuse me, Jews to steal our language from us, or buy it off with a bunch of Benjamins.”

AOC said Republicans were missing the critical point of her comment: “Hispanics in this country are being forced into death marches to get here and are suffering pogroms under the direct orders of this Republican Nazi government, just as the Jews suffered under Germany’s government. All my Jewish coastal liberal latte-drinking out-of-touch politically-correct constituents agree with me.” She then added, “and you know I’m part Jewish too.”

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) on Twitter

Omar was more direct. “Holocaust imagery has been stolen by Zionist abusers. They don’t own all of the world’s suffering and they cannot steal everything they want. I am a black woman Muslim refugee. I have suffered a thousand times more than the millionaire Jewish bankers who attack me. I stand with AOC and we will reclaim all of these words on behalf of the downtrodden including: ‘Holocaust,’ ‘concentration camps,’ ‘death march,’ ‘pogrom,’ ‘crematoria’, and anything else we accidentally say in the future and need to defend rather than admit stupidity and guilt.”

David Duke, former Grand Wizard of the KKK even chimed in to defend AOC: “The Nazis didn’t create the swastika; it was around for a thousand years. But the German government bans its use today as a cowardly retreat to Jews because they’re sensitive about some Jews dying a generation ago. I hope that AOC starts to wear one to congress to shut them [the Jews] up.”

Palestinian Authority President-for-Life Mahmoud Abbas cheered the initiative. “It’s well passed time for the Democrats to take back words which Jews stole for themselves years ago. They colonized language like they do everything else. I’ve been using the terms ‘genocide‘ and ‘ethnic cleansing‘ for years and the United Nations never complained. Matter of fact, they cheered. J Street even complemented me.”

Brant Rosen, an alt-left anti-Zionist on the board of Jewish Voice for Peace penned his agreement with both Omar and AOC: “You know, even the word ‘Jude‘ was around for a long time. It was really the Beatles who made the word famous, even though right-wing and Orthodox-looking Jews would have you believe otherwise.”

Linda Sarsour, a founder of the ‘Woman’s March’ said the whole thing stinks. “This a blood libel if there ever was one. The Judenrat are trying to kill Hispanic babies while pointing fingers at AOC as a distraction. I suggest doing a DNA test on all babkas and challahs in Jewish neighborhoods along the border.”

Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) added “the final solution to this Fuhrer – er, furor – is to stop the blitzkrieg against our human rights leaders like AOC and recognize that it’s the Republicans that are Nazis. I swear on my grandmother’s original edition of Mein Kampf.”

“It’s this whole evil hypnosis thing all over again,” Omar sighed. “I say, ‘Never Again.’”

Related First.One.Through articles:

“Protocols of the Elders of Zion – The Musical”

The Cave of the Jewish Matriarch and Arab Cultural Appropriation

The Left Wing’s Accelerating Assault on the Holocaust

The Ultimate Chutzpah: A New Form of Holocaust Denial

Seeing the Holocaust Through Nakba Eyes

Ilhan Omar Isn’t Debating Israeli Policy, She is Attacking Americans

Palestinians of Today and the Holocaust

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NY Times’ Sarah Jeong Guides Rep Ilhan Omar Tweets

Posted on March 8, 2019 by First.One.Through

A satire.

Rep. Ilhan Omar is under the microscope for some poorly worded tweets and comments she made about Israel supporters over the past few weeks, so Sarah Jeong, a member of The New York Times editorial board has tried to come to her rescue.

Jeong assumed she would be a natural to help Omar since she got into hot water for tweets she made, but came out unscathed. Some of Jeong’s famous tweets included:

“Are white people genetically predisposed to burn faster in the sun, thus logically being only fit to live underground like groveling goblins”
“white people marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants”
“Oh man it’s kind of sick how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men.”

Jeong reached out to Omar to council her on bashing Zionists effectively. “You got to own it, girl,” she reportedly said. “The problem is that you didn’t lean in all the way. Bash those mother-f***ing white Jews and stare them in the face while you do it. With a smile, of course.”

Jeong worked with Omar in scripting some choice tweets to be unveiled at choice times during the rest of the year. Some of their current lines include:

“Jews took my comments about ‘Benjamins’ the wrong way; I love Jewish money. I doodle yamulkes on the bills atop all of the white presidents.”
“That whole ‘hypnotize’ comment was after I watched Israeli mentalist Lior Suchard. Blame him.”
“When I said I was against lobbying for foreign entities, I meant I didn’t want Israeli food carts in front of the building. I’m allergic to Hummus.”

Linda Sarsour thought the tweets were too clever and funny. She worked with Omar on a different set:

“I truly enjoy when rich white Jewish men complain to a black immigrant woman that their feelings are hurt.”
“Did Bibi [Netanyahu] get his nickname from wearing a beanie as a kid or from shooting BB guns at Arabs?”
“if it were up to [Nita] Lowey and [Eliot] Engel, they would swap out the stars in the US flag to six pointed Jew stars.”
“Have you noticed how prickly Jews get when you talk about money – whether taxes, or BDS, or aid to Israel? It gives me a sublime high”
“How many times am I am going to listen to 6 million dead grandparents? I lived through hell in Somalia and I didn’t complain as much”
“I never suggested that American Jews have dual loyalty. I don’t think they have any loyalty to America at all.”
“If I can get both David Duke and Louis Farrakhan supporting what I’m saying, not only am I clearly right, I should win the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing these two together.”

There were several tweets up in the air like “Sieg Heil,” because Jeong wasn’t sure people would get the context, especially since they weren’t sure when they would post it. The new hashtag #AntiSemitesLivesMatter was deemed too copycat of #BlackLivesMatter, and the line “I love reverse racism when it’s in the negative and not directed at me,” was considered too complicated and not re-tweetable.

Marc Lamont Hill gave his seal of approval on both sets of tweets and previewed that Omar’s draft of upcoming tweets were not anti-Semitic on Al Jazeera, AJ+, and several media outlets run by Arab and Muslim countries. “As a man of color, I can clearly tell you what is and what is not racism and hate speech. Everyone watching should feel completely comfortable re-tweeting and using the same words in public with pride.”

Meanwhile, Jeong is very busy trying to get Lamont Hill onto the New York Times editorial board.

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